Oh my.

Oh my has it been a long time again since I posted. I'm sorry. I was scared to let you know the news: I won't be continuing the story I've started. I tried. I wrote 35k words (or so) and it just... didn't feel like the right thing to do anymore.

And it also feel apart.

I know it's a first draft but I don't truly feel like continuing it either way. I'm sorry I didn't let you know earlier. I know this sucks a bit and a few of you liked the story but that's how it's going to be. I need to prioritize my mental health at the moment. (Yes - where did that thought come from?) It came from another meltdown, me quitting my toxic job, then trying to write yet another book (40k words in!) that also failed, and now just being unhappy with my life.

It's ok. It'll pass. But I'll have to give up some of the projects I recently started. That's also ok. It just means there won't be updates on Riz's story. (There haven't been anyway...)

I'd like to post more during the week but find I have little to say. I have no advice to give at this moment and I don't want to waste space by... spamming you guys with nothing useful.

I'd make a post about what I learned trying to write Riz's story but am not sure what I learned (except that I'm a bit of a flake but that's common knowledge). However. Let's see if I can come up with anything useful and update this blog again shortly.

Again. Please forgive me. This story just wasn't mine to write.

As always - I hope your day is going well and cheers to you!

Leshen! Do you HAVE TO write every idea into a book?

I went out to cycle around the close-by lake yesterday. It's about an hour and a half around and you can cross some islands (pirate island is one of them! Treasure island another!) while you do it. Treasure island (where you start) has a small path across it. This path is about one bicycle wide and surrounded by the lake/rivers on either side of it. As you'd expect close to the water there's also some brushwork around the water's edge and some trees stretch their branches over the path. It's quite idyllic.


It's also scary when you're alone (but that might just be my imagination).


As I was riding my bicycle through it I had this idea: what if suddenly a leshen appeared out of the brushwork before me? It was quiet and though the bushes around the edges of this path aren't particularly thick it seemed entirely possible.

(PS: if you don't know what a leshen is you absolutely need to google! They look awesome. They're a kind of ancient spirit - at least in the Witcher - with human-ish bodies and elk skulls/antlers. They must be one of my favourite monster of all time.)

Let's get back to the story:

A few leafs got stuck in my wheel and I got off the bicycle to remove them.

I DID look over my shoulder while doing it but predictably there was no leshen (sigh).

I got back on my ride and had the idea that: what if there's this old lady driving her car in rural Colorado (or somewhere else?) when suddenly this elk-man thing jumps out at her? I gave her a name: Henny. Henny doesn't have time to do much except push the brakes and steer away and because she's old she has a near heart attack. This gets back to the sherrif's department when Henny's husband calls into report the accident.

Henny's file is placed in front of my main character's desk (a woman called Clarisse INSERTLASTNAME). The department of course doesn't believe in Henny's elk-man BUT there have been other such incidents where a leshen was spotted. Riz's superior wants her to write Henny up because when speeding away she crashed her car into two others (or a tractor) on the other lane. Riz is getting tired of these yeti-reports she gets daily and though her job is easy (write a speeding ticket) there's been too many coincidental reports of fairytale monsters to sit still.

At the end of the first chapter Riz is going to rural CO to find out what the heck Henny and the other witnesses have seen.

This is where I stopped writing yesterday and I've been considering the story ever since. I have this voice (obsession) urging me to write the rest but at the same time I'm not sure this is a book I should/would write. I probably could. It seems like I have to (thanks obsessive compulsive) but I'm not sure that I want to.

Here's the argument in my mind:

I only have one other new project going and the rest are edits. I might as well try this story out.

However - I've already started a new story and I keep starting stories I don't finish. Do I want to add another?

And also: I am currently editing two stories and have one more on the back burner to edit. Do I really need more work on my plate?

These are all questions you should keep in mind. I have no clever answer - or any answer really - in this post. I'm still trying to figure it out myself.


Here's my favourite part of the first chapter however:

"Why don't you come to my apartment?" Mel said as she passed the other deputy's desk. "We could order pizza, watch a movie..." Her voice trailed off.

And then what? Riz thought. Have sex? She didn't need sex. She needed to find out why all of Blackwater had suddenly gone insane with these fairytales.

Merry Christmas!

I haven't been able to do too much these last few weeks. I called in ill Tuesday the week before last and haven't been to my day job since because of burn-out. In the first four days after calling in sick I managed to write 40k words because another project fell apart. I'm now working on it from another angle.

Depression's kept me mostly in the house meanwhile. As stated in my last post I ordered lots of food because I was too exhausted to make any. HOWEVER. I have also been more productive with THINGS THAT MATTER (TM) than in the months before.

I have FINALLY FINISHED a novella I've been trying to work out the last two years since early (March) 2015. This is called ELEGY OF THE STARS and you can read the first 'chapter' (It's not really meant to be read in chapters) here: Elegy of the Stars Chapter 1

This novella was extremely emotionally taxing and the last kick I needed - apparently - was the absolute and complete meltdown I had last week. I spent a few hours crying to myself and ranting on reddit and then spent some more hours pitying myself. This happens to me approximately once a year or so. It's no longer a big deal. It stills feels bad. It felt bad enough I didn't manage to send proper Christmas gifts or invite anyone over. (However a quiet Christmas is sometimes nice and it gives me additional recovery time!)

Anyway... let's go back to the novella now that you have some insight in what depression has been doing to me the last few weeks.

As I said this novella was insanely difficult to finish despite being only 30k words. I picked it up and dropped it about 4-5 times before because it was just so incredibly emotionally taxing to write it.

Elegy of the Stars is about this little girl (Oria) struggling to survive on the streets of a small planet called Glast. The plot's already explained in the post linked above so I won't go into more detail. I'd rather talk about the worldbuilding of it! Here we go.

Glast:

This planet isn't in view of any sun (the planet Reath is blocking the sun year round) and so scientists had to make their own artificial star - the Seirios. The Seirios sits on top of the main Administrative building in the only and very small and dirty city of Glast - Oblivion - and the star's light is transported via light pipes to fields and so on to keep the planet lit. The streets are harsh: during the creation of the Seirios radiation went rampant and a lot of people (90%) got infected by the mutation virus that came with it. They're not all that there any more and part of that infected population has formed a cult around the Seirios. There's also miners who like little girls and boys. However the most problematic part of this population is the healthy citizens of Oblivion. They've always had access to the radiation vaccine and they basically rule the planet. They're the cultivators who produce the food and supplies everyone needs but almost no one can afford. They're also not altruistic.

This is the world Oria has to navigate and she can only rely on herself. During the years on the street she's allowed one person to rely on her but eschews all other forms of communication or teamwork with even fellow street rats. This changes when she meets Quinn. He saves her life and suddenly she's in his debt. He has an easy solution to getting rid of that debt but when she agrees to it instead of getting rid of Quinn she falls into even deeper debts to him.

There is a lot of pain and struggle in the story. It's not something that I'd usually write (probably that is why it was so hard). I don't like reading depressing stories and don't like writing them either. And yet. This was a story I couldn't get out of my mind. I mean I could. I got it off my mind a year and then another - but at some point I had to return. I had to try again. And it's finally done!

So what are the next steps?

I've commissioned my cover artist to make cover for the story and I hope to be done with the last edit (spellings and general polishing) by the time the cover is done. And then it's off to KDP!

Again! If you want to read the first chapter please click here: Elegy of the Stars Chapter 1

I'll post some more chapters (probably the whole novella) in the future and will have some small comments about what was so difficult! Tune in if you like.

PS: I'm also always happy about comments!

Depression and why you should NOT be a writer every day

I want to talk about taking breaks.

I'll talk a little bit more about myself first (but there'll be practical advice too so stick with it!). I'll tell you about my life for one reason: It's vital to understanding my art. In order to do this let me explain a bit about depression.

Imagine going to sleep at 9 PM and waking up ten hours later still (or perhaps already) tired. Imagine having to order food twice or three times in a row because you weren't able to face going outside/to face reality/to face other people and maybe having to speak to the cashier in at the store. That's just a short insight in what depression can be like. I don't want to bore you.

It suffices to say depression is a terrible ghost. I'd love to exorcise it but that will never truly be possible and it does sometimes affect my work. I don't have as much energy to write and I need to take breaks often during the day. I also have a day job.

In addition to having depression I'm also a perfectionist. I can't just put 'any' short story or novel out there even if it sounds good in my head or is mostly completed. If it's missing the special spark it has no place under my name.

I won't lie. I don't always do good work and sometimes it's true crap as well. I'm not always as productive as I could be (thank you reddit). But I do my best. I do as much as I can every single day, even if I know some projects won't work out.

Doing my best means - for me - also taking breaks. If you're burnt out, then the best you can do is take a break and forget those spivs trying to convince you you're not a real writer if you take a day, a week, a month, or even a year or two off. Writing is a profession as any other. Would you say a policeman isn't a policeman because he doesn't work one weekend of the month? If he takes a year off to recover? Police work is hard work and so is writing - a book or short story or anything else you pour your heart into and risk your (mental/virtual) life for. And that's what a good book should be. It should risk your reputation and challenge everything you ever believed.

You deserve to take breaks just like the coffeeshop lady eating her sandwich in the back.

And if this doesn't convince you yet then consider that: Don't want to write for a month? Ok. A lot of people will think or tell you you're not/no longer a SERIOUS WRITER (TM). I won't because that's bullshit (reasons explained above). But let's say you're no longer a writer because you dared take a break. You know what? The moment you pick up your pen or keyboard again you'll be a writer again - just like magic! Any really. I'd rather not be a writer for a year, then be one again, if that helps me stay relatively sane.

I'm not sure if this'll be of any help to anyone but I often have to give myself permission to take a break. It's not easy. I'd love to work every day the whole day and write 20 million books a year.

But it's not possible.

Depression makes writing everything even more exhausting than it is/has to be and I'm probably a lot more sensitive than others to the break-needs because of that. However - everyone needs a break every once in a while to stay healthy. So please take a break. Do it before you burn out. Do it now if you feel like your head is stuffy/about to explode.

You can still be a writer tomorrow or next month.