Depression and why you should NOT be a writer every day

I want to talk about taking breaks.

I'll talk a little bit more about myself first (but there'll be practical advice too so stick with it!). I'll tell you about my life for one reason: It's vital to understanding my art. In order to do this let me explain a bit about depression.

Imagine going to sleep at 9 PM and waking up ten hours later still (or perhaps already) tired. Imagine having to order food twice or three times in a row because you weren't able to face going outside/to face reality/to face other people and maybe having to speak to the cashier in at the store. That's just a short insight in what depression can be like. I don't want to bore you.

It suffices to say depression is a terrible ghost. I'd love to exorcise it but that will never truly be possible and it does sometimes affect my work. I don't have as much energy to write and I need to take breaks often during the day. I also have a day job.

In addition to having depression I'm also a perfectionist. I can't just put 'any' short story or novel out there even if it sounds good in my head or is mostly completed. If it's missing the special spark it has no place under my name.

I won't lie. I don't always do good work and sometimes it's true crap as well. I'm not always as productive as I could be (thank you reddit). But I do my best. I do as much as I can every single day, even if I know some projects won't work out.

Doing my best means - for me - also taking breaks. If you're burnt out, then the best you can do is take a break and forget those spivs trying to convince you you're not a real writer if you take a day, a week, a month, or even a year or two off. Writing is a profession as any other. Would you say a policeman isn't a policeman because he doesn't work one weekend of the month? If he takes a year off to recover? Police work is hard work and so is writing - a book or short story or anything else you pour your heart into and risk your (mental/virtual) life for. And that's what a good book should be. It should risk your reputation and challenge everything you ever believed.

You deserve to take breaks just like the coffeeshop lady eating her sandwich in the back.

And if this doesn't convince you yet then consider that: Don't want to write for a month? Ok. A lot of people will think or tell you you're not/no longer a SERIOUS WRITER (TM). I won't because that's bullshit (reasons explained above). But let's say you're no longer a writer because you dared take a break. You know what? The moment you pick up your pen or keyboard again you'll be a writer again - just like magic! Any really. I'd rather not be a writer for a year, then be one again, if that helps me stay relatively sane.

I'm not sure if this'll be of any help to anyone but I often have to give myself permission to take a break. It's not easy. I'd love to work every day the whole day and write 20 million books a year.

But it's not possible.

Depression makes writing everything even more exhausting than it is/has to be and I'm probably a lot more sensitive than others to the break-needs because of that. However - everyone needs a break every once in a while to stay healthy. So please take a break. Do it before you burn out. Do it now if you feel like your head is stuffy/about to explode.

You can still be a writer tomorrow or next month.

A long hiatus... but I have good news!

I know I haven't posted in a while. I'm sorry. I'll be trying to post more but I didn't want to spam y'all with useless posts. If I have nothing to say I'd rather shut up most of the time. (Unless it's an argument I need to win!!!!)

Anyway! I wanted to take the time to list some accomplishments before the new years starts and you're all welcome to participate/tell me about yours! (PS: this blog will turn more informal than it has been.)

So.

What have I done this year?

1. I've finished the third draft of my post-apocalyptic dinosaur and cyborg book. This is great news because it means only one more draft and it's done! I'll be sending it out to agents (and publishers in some cases) and hope someone takes it! My beta reader has also been very positive about this book so that makes me double happy.

2. I wrote about three short stories. I've sent one to the New Yorker because it applies to the real world (strangely enough) and is about a popular current topic (children's privacy on the internet/especially concerning pictures). I'm pretty sure they won't want it but hey! Worth a try anyway. I'll probably be putting it into a collection on amazon soon. It's called KIDNAPPING SKY.

3. I have three wonderful covers on three of my short stories! I love them and they're done by the very talented Hannah Hilton (link to follow shortly).

Here they are:


also following shortly with amazon link

On Amazon!

On Amazon!

On Amazon!

4. I've also read 30 books of my 53 book goal! I'd hoped to do more but am not terribly disappointed. 30 is good. 52 would be better but I did my best and it just wasn't possible. I'll try again in the New Year! :)

That's it from me folks. How about you?

PS: Merry Christmas! It's only three more days!

I want to quit. But then I don't.

I just got home from w- don't even want to say the word. I left around 11 hours ago at 07:40 AM (it's 6:40 PM now) and that's only because I was able to leave earlier and catch an earlier train. Usually I get home at 7 PM.

I want to quit.

It's not just the sh*tty dayjob. It's the depression and constant boredom that comes with it. Do you know what else? It's the time I don't have if I want to live a life. I am supposed to get up around 06:40 AM if I'm to make the 08:02 train. I'm supposed to go to sleep early... but then where is the life?

I try to squeeze writing in whenever I can (such as now). I get up at 05:00 - 05:30 in the morning for that extra hour and it's f*cking damn hard. (PS: I don't like to swear). It means 7 hours of sleep - or 6 if I still want to have a life and, you know, hobbies.

Yes, many people are going through this. I'm sure. But I'm not many people.

Ok, but, you're talking about writing here, yes? So what's the point of this rant? What has this to do with writing?

Everything.

The dayjob leaves me drained and tired and I just want to curl up underneath the blankets in the 160x200 cm bed and stay there until it all ends. But then... writing.

I get to my desk, which is a safe zone or, let's call it refuge, for me. There's papers all over, drafts from years ago, drafts from minutes ago, some printed out, some scribbled in notebooks, and on top of it all, my kindle. And another notebook (this one half the size of the others). And a green pen. And a blue pen. And another half-size notebook. And my cup. The cup. And my nail clippers (because I don't have the time to go the bathroom to clip my nails.) (PS: don't worry though, the nails, once cut, all get thrown away, properly. I'm not a complete... I'd say pig, but pigs are actually very clean animals.)

Anyway...

This is my safe zone, but until I get there, life sucks.

And then there's the constant doubt about myself

I feel like I'm not good enough, not smart enough. In 2012 I wrote 5 books (a series of 5, about 100k-160k words each) and started 2-3 more drafts. In 2013 and 2014 I wrote about 2-3 books and started some more drafts. In 2015 I managed 1 or 2 books and some short stories. I'm mostly happy with those short stories (also available to read here: ?) and I've struggled to make some of the books work (especially the earlier ones). I finally decided this is it (several times) and dropped those ancient drafts to write something new.

In 2016 and 2017 I did about 1 full book each and several first drafts / new edits of old books. I also wrote more short stories. (Most of which still need to be edited.)

I'm getting to the point where my first drafts are pretty lean. They're understandable (even by people who are not me) and the prose is quite all right. But it's the edits that make me despair. How do I fix something that's broken?

I don't feel like I'm smart enough to do it. I've tried, with those books from 2012, and I'm trying every year. I went through another round just a while ago... but it never works out. Is the trick to drop these and do new projects? Edit something 'younger'? But even then, I'm afraid to fail. I've been putting it off and reading self-help books (some of which are quite good) and writing craft books (still working on a list resource of the best books I found to publish on here) and I've recently started to read 'The Artful Edit' by Susan Bell. I'm 10% in and quite excited.

But most of all, I've started the edit on a project I haven't touched in two years. That's hard and it's harsh, but with the experience (all the failed things) I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's still hard. I'm now beating myself up because... what if I don't manage to get it up to speed? What if this will be another dropped project? It might be. I want to be realistic. I'll waste away at the dayj- even longer.

And then what?

I have other things to edit, it's true.

But what if none of them work? I'm already drained.

What if?

You know what if?

I'll get up even earlier (though not all the time) and I'll edit more. And more. And I'll edit more after that. And more.

And at some point, hey, it has to work, right?

Just like I once got a nice comment instead of a standard rejection back from a short story anthology.

And if it doesn't work? Well, f*ck that. It has to work, and if it doesn't, I'll still do it, because my desk is my safe space, and this is what I chose to do.

JMT


(PS: Hope you have a better day than me! Cheers)

DON'T write every day

Hi

I've been thinking about this a lot and thought I'd make a post about it. DON'T write every day.

Why not??!?!?!?! I hear you scream in despair. EVERYONE tells you to do it! Every writer tells us to write every day!

Yeah... but not me.

When I say I've been thinking about it a lot, I mean obsessively, compulsively. I've studied this stuff. I know my stuff. I've tried to write every day. I did. I swear. Every day, and in the beginning, it was fine, I got work done, it was fun. I wrote 5-10k a day and after a week or so I'd maybe take a day off... then continue writing 5-7k a day. That's most of the day. 9 AM to 11 PM. I did nothing but write and the occasional ten minutes of surfing funny pics online.

I did this for about a year.

Every day. Monday-Sunday with the occasional day off. (Good times, no day job, "studying" at university without going to lectures).

I then... was finished with 3 books and wrote the next... started editing the first... went to the next...

Skip forward.

I moved. I had all the time in the world still, but I couldn't focus on ANYTHING. Never mind for 12 hours like I used to.

Time passed (as it does).

I tried to at least write so and so many words a day. It worked somewhat.

BUT:

and here's the whole reason for this post.

It didn't work ALWAYS.

I get tired. I get demotivated. I realized that some stories just don't want to be written - or at least not by me. I try to force myself... at least 1k a day... at least 500 words a day. Can I do 100 words and say it's an achievement? But it's not. I can do 1.5k in 30 mins fairly easily. Yes, this sounds a lot like boasting, but once I'm into something, the writing flies, and time doesn't.

But it's no good. It's no good to force yourself.

So... why do you tell us this now? Why the sudden wisdom?

You've read last week's post? Yah. That's why. Trying to force myself to write every day (instead of when it was REALLY pressing and I had the STRONG URGE to write) made me burn out. It's done this quite a few times by now and I'm starting to see a pattern there.

So.

Don't write every day.

I know I won't. It makes me crazy. I'm fine taking a few weeks break's between projects... and at other times I'd rather write compulsively the whole day/a whole week/month than force myself to write during those 'down-times'. It's useless. All it does is make me hate ever having chosen to sit down/get up at 5 AM. And that's not an environment to write in.

If you don't want to write, don't. Take a break.

The writing, if it's meant for you, if it's your story to tell, and if you're truly a writer, will come to you. When it is ready. Not when you're trying to force it.

It helped me to realize this (although no doubt in a few week's time I'll be crying and whining about how much I suck again). I hope this helps anyone else too!

PS: don't think this is an easy process to decide. I've been bombarded with write every day for years... and I feel guilty if I don't. But for me, this just doesn't work. I can't force the writing, at least not if I want to be good, if I want it to be coherent. And to be honest, I have way too many ideas in my mind to edit a piece 20 times if it doesn't come out at least decent right away. No single idea is THAT important. And if you only have one idea? Then it's ok that you quit after you're done with it. I can guarantee another idea will show up at you door and knock you over. In time. It might not be tomorrow, or next week, and perhaps not even this year.

But in time, another idea will find you, and you'll catch fire, like you did with that first idea. That's when you write. When you NEED to write, or otherwise, you might die.

Cheers!

I suck at... everything

Hi

I'm not very active here any more (figured it's pointless and I don't like it much anyway) and I'm sorry this will be a bit depressing. See, that's me. A month ago everything was going, if not smoothly, at least well. I finished a book at about 50k words (this is my ninth so far), and, because I don't edit right away but let it simmer, I hopped to the next project. The characters made sense, they did things, for a while. Then the whole project just crashed and burned... like the short stories I have up on KDP. I'm ok with this. It didn't work out, cool. It has some 40k words, but those can be sacrificed. It's an exercise, it didn't work out, plus, I can make a wholly different story out of a part of it. It's not a big deal.

Except it is.

My short story sales are... (dejected sound from low to high). I can't seem to edit the first book I ever wrote properly, and that's a series of 5... which I get back to to agonize over every year or so. I'll "fix it" but get stuck... quit that again, and start something new. This is all fine, all right, but dude, it is so painful. I wrack my mind, heart, soul, and every once in a while, there will be a solution, but it's not right. It felt so pure, writing it and editing it, and anything I do now, because in the five years since I wrote it I've grown up, realized how bad it was, feels so dirty.

But let's get back to the point of this rant, if we can find one.

I feel like I suck and my whole life is pointless. That day job I talked about? Worst job ever. My life? Worst life ever. My writing? ... I think you get it.

Conclusion? I know this'll be over soon and then my life will be fine again. But to everyone who feels the same, this might be relevant. Whatever you're feeling now, what's happened, it won't stay. Life will move on, it'll fix itself. You'll move on with it. And perhaps, you'll even find a plug for this hole in your writing.

Have a good day

THINGS happened... or: Why don't you blog every week like you promised?!

Question:
Why don't you blog every week like you promised?!

Answer:
I haven't been very active lately. It is true.

Life happened. I was getting THINGS done.

What kinds of things? I got a day job. I wrote a new short story of 5k words and am working on more.

So... why aren't you blogging as often as you said you would?

1. (and I think this is the most important) I don't like it. I've tried blogging and it simply didn't work for me. I'd rather say nothing than say a lot of bullcock or force myself to squeeze out some advice about craft that someone else could explain much better (someone who's written a craft book on it for example. I've read a lot of them and can recommend plenty. I feel there's enough material out there already and they've explained it much better than I have the patience for!) Plus... I don't want to bore anyone with stuff I don't really care to blog about. I will however blog when there's a topic I want to talk about and that I feel is important.

2. I'm busy
I'm writing new things all the time.
I don't get time to blog even if I wanted to. I've recently taken a day job and it's keeping me busy 9 hours of the day +1 for the commute. There's no time to blog if I'm also trying to write stories. And I have to set priorities.


I think these are the two most important points and while this post isn't really an apology (though it does suck I have so little time to talk to you guys!) it should explain what's been going on! I hope you're not too disappointed. And hey, here's a little something-bonus! I've read enough books on writing craft to be able to recommend some! So if you have any question, about my stories, craft, et al, or just want a recommendation on which book/craft book to read next, drop me a line, and I'll respond to your email within a few hours! (Days if I'm on holiday... but even then it should be quick.)

I hope you're having a good week... and if you haven't yet... check out the new, awesome cover of my short story "The Hungry Worlds"! You can find the story (plus cover) HERE! Oh and... as always, write a comment if you have something to say!

Here's a great update!

Hi guys

I know it's been a while, and this post will be short. I'm just happy to tell you I've managed to get a cover for one short story (so far) and this is "The Hungry Worlds" one of my more popular ones. I hope you like the cover as much as I do! And the story of course! ;)

Here's the cover... and a link to the amazons! (It might still take a while until it's visible... check back every so often!)

You know what's also cool? There'll be two more short stories out shortly (Ho ho! The twistedness of this sentence) if I can drag myself away from playing The Witcher! More about those two shorts in a bit. :D

You haven't read "The Hungry Worlds" yet? You should. It's gotten the best feedback out of all my stories so far. (Plus, you can read it on KDP, which is also cool.)

I hope you're having a good week and such. I'm quite busy at the moment (two more short stories in the works...) but I'll be posting some more if there's time. Then again... writing stories has to be my priority over writing blog posts. :)

Cheers